July 2008
5 posts
"But it's MY day!"
Dear Bridesmaids:
Thanks for supporting me and gritting your teeth through all of my hissy fits, meltdowns, passive-aggressive e-mails, inexplicable need for you to wear a hot pink, bulbous dress comprised primarily of taffeta, insistence on an unaffordable bachelorette party in Las Vegas at which I sobbed into my 10th margarita on the first (and second and third) night bemoaning the fact that my...
The fashion-conscious French
Gee.
I always knew the French were a tad more obsessed with aesthetics than most of their fellow earthlings, but this is taking it a bit far: Faiza Silmi was denied citizenship because of … her outfit.
“I would never have imagined that they would turn me down because of what I choose to wear,” Ms. Silmi, 32, told The New York Times.
Her offending accessory? The veil she wears over her...
Silly rabbits
They seem so fluffy, huggable and twee. Yet their Arcadian act conceals a cunning, Machiavellian mind that doesn’t fool The National Geographic for one second.
As the glossy histrionically reports, rabbits and badgers may ruin Stonehenge and some 280 other archaeological sites in southwest England alone.
The culprit? Global warming (of course), which has helped more and more tricky...
Cheers to that
Wha you say? Wuz zat? Hang on lemme puh on my glasses so ken heer yu biter.
Good news, drunkards: drinking makes you happy and smart. This from an alcohol study center no less – notorious wet blankets!
The Bowles Center for Alcohol Studies at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill has found that stopping drinking – whether you’re a full-blown stumblebum or just an occasional tippler –...
Good morning!
My daily commute is a veritable sprint from one unpleasant event to the next. But one person in particular crops on a daily basis to make my mornings (especially when I’ve hit the sauce too hard on a holiday weekend!) EEEEEEEEeeeek!xtra fun.
Her voice reminds me of the caw of a combative crow circling, circling, circling a wounded rodent, with occasional staccato-like undertones of the kind of...
June 2008
10 posts
Mixed signals
These days, actresses are too thin. This just in from Captain Obvious.
OK, so it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to gather the empirical evidence (Kiera, more than one Kate, Angelina, more than one Nicole — and now even the previously bodacious Kristen Johnston is looking rexi).
The media at large and Hollywood make their bread and butter (ahem) in part by (overtly or not)...
Pissing contest
Warning: Penelope has launched a borough-wide whiz-bang war against unknown (and possibly imaginary) foes. No fence, grass-patch, fire hydrant, trash bag, flower or front step is safe from her all-consuming pheromone-spritzing effort. She periodically insists on making rounds around various neighborhoods to gather information and assess the enemy’s (enemies’??!) progress.
As a General...
Lalalalalalala! I can't hear you!
Taking denial to a whole new level (is the entire staff secretly Catholic?) The White House opted to refuse to open a missive from the EPA detailing the negative effects greenhouse gases have on the environment. The policy, known officially as “high-tech peekaboo” put the e-mail in limbo (Catholicism again!) rendering it officially null and void.
The EPA sent the e-mail to The White...
Inked
I just stumbled across a report that nearly one in four Americans between the ages of 18 and 50 has a tattoo.
What’s up with that?
My concept of what tattoos signify has evolved over time, and I wonder if my experience parallels a general pattern in America. (Granted, tattoos date back about 5,000 years – but for most of modern history, tattooed folk were peered at with the same kind of...
Fat?
Diabetic? Got Cancer?
You have no one to blame but your Mom. Thanks, Science!
If you’re anything like me, you already blame poor Mom for your rapidly receding gums (srsly, thanks – I’m literally long in the tooth at 31), unsightly head of frizzy wannabe red but no cigar hair, more than generous dash of crazy-pants, affinity for dirty martinis and preposterously vertiginous heels.
I’m sure my Mom...
Space rock: chicken little's triumphant return
I heart chicken little. His neurotic, furrowed brow … his whining petulance … his self (and erroneously) cast role as Modern Times’ Cassandra … his boundless fear of imagined doom … he’s a chicken after my own heart.
I love him SO much I named my favorite stuffed animal after him (except it was a cat, so “her” name became Kitten Little. KL...
http://Discovered! The first WASP plant →
Possibly creating a tricky moral dilemma for the “I won’t eat anything that knows its mother” school of vegetarianism, scientists have discovered that certain species of plants can recognize its own kin.
The New York Times explains the phenomena in a hilariously somber report found here.
In addition to disillusioning plant-eaters, the humble Great Lakes sea rocket issues a devastating blow to...
Really? Fascinating ...
I usually just crush to death the myriad bees buzzing around my tight, rumpled, scuffed up li’l bonnet by banging my head against a wall … but this one won’t die and it’s making for a twitchier than usual Friday afternoon.
Whether or not Obama and Clinton are my dream team is totally irrelevant here (and just for the record: they’re not). BUT I am going to be forced to take...
Apocalypse soon →
Buy one, get one of lesser or equal value free! As our economy burbles ever-lower into a soft n’ succulent muckpile — infused with the scent of swamp cabbage and filled with the sight of drowning kittens fighting each other for a limp Lily Pad and the sounds of moaning, starving orphans — otherwise known as Bush’s legacy, we can expect to see these signs cropping up more and more...
For your protection
Stephen and I just got back from a whirlwind trip to Seattle (my faves: not climbing the Space Needle, drive-through espresso huts, Mt. Rainier mountain, Pho Soup, bikers bikers everywhere, Belltown punk rockers, yoga mats wedged under every armpit in sight, anarchist book stores, Moose Drool Beer, Pike Place, Mt. Rainier beer, gourmet pizza that isn’t excessively so, Pioneer Square, more...
May 2008
11 posts
Grapes of wrath →
Wine is the world’s oldest and fanciest alcoholic beverage. It’s created by fermenting grape juice and is enjoyed worldwide – in bottle, box and jug form, depending on the level of classiness users would like to project. So-called oenephiles, stumblebums, moms of toddlers, residents of Fairfield and Sonoma counties in Connecticut and California respectively, priests, writers and former prom...
Boho dodos →
Oh noes: bad news for self-satisfied hipsties. We probably should have seen the writing on the wall when Wal-Mart started stocking organic food, but if you’re like me, you just went merrily on, blithely snapping up $3 mangoes, $6 tubs of yogurt and $10 chicken breasts; gently and solemnly grilling the wait-staff at shabby chic cafes about the source of their dead cow flesh and of course –...
The audacity of hope
When I woke up on September 11, 2001, it was another typical day for me: I’d been up too late the night before and my head was pounding, I’d already smoked three cigarettes before leaving my dirty, unkempt studio on the Upper East Side, I was running at least 20 minutes late for my crap job at a financial newsletter, my white button-down was unironed and already sporting a brown Pollockian drip...
I'm with stupid! →
Reams of studies have spewed forth in recent years about the problems of bullying at school, work and home (probably because most researchers and reporters are all current or former eggheads who were forced to suffer the indignities of being woken up at 5:00 a.m. on an overcast Friday at age 14 by a red-headed terror of a high school senior, being denied the pleasure of brushing his/her...
U can't haz cheezburger →
In a recent news conference, President Bush addressed the concern over food prices in the U.S. that has led consumers to panic and resort to bizarre and desperate behavior (generally only displayed by agoraphobic octogenarians suffering from dementia and people in the throes of war and/or famine) like rice hoarding — it’s such a widespread problem, Costco now limits the number of bags...
Pretty toxic
I’m all for dressing up the hideous, the toxic and the unfit for human consumption in pretty bows, perfume and crinoline (how else would I ever leave the house?) But this latest development has me wondering: has the Netherlands spiked its wacky tabacci with crack? The crazy seed was planted the 1970s when the Netherlands decided to reprocess its used nuclear fuel from its two nuclear...
Bad news bears →
Trash-lovin’ bears, much like their human counterparts, are often merely aping the naughty behavior of what’s scientifically known as “Bad Influence Bears.” The bears’ mothers, much like their human counterparts, were previously blamed for their offsprings’ unseemly behavior. A report can be found here.
Creatures of habit →
Habits. I’ve lovingly nurtured many a noxious, toxic habit involving animals, vegetables, minerals, others. I’ve ditched most of my naughty ones: now I practice yoga, walk and run to distract the shadowy black dog that likes to curl up between my feet and toss those damn screechy monkeys off my back. But do one’s habits reflect who a person essentially is … and if you change a...
Bad idea jeans →
This rather interesting fellow called Shailendra Roy has decided to follow up his recent hair-raising stunt of pulling a 35-ton train 10 meters with his foot-long ponytail by hanging from a flying helicopter by his locks (for an as-yet undetermined amount of time). BBC report here. Beauty take-away: Roy says rubbing his hair with mustard oil keeps it strong!
It's hard in Chile! →
Whenever the subject of Viagra comes up I either find myself verbally browbeating the cantankerous in a bad way, fugly in a uniquely Republican way and decidedly unsexy in a creepy white man way Bob Dole for his infamous ED comment (ED Elizabeth Dole my wife is responsible for my ED Erectile Dysfunction har fun with acronyms) or bemoaning (moan hee) the fact that there isn’t really a female...
Breast is best for baby! Wait, no! Gah! →
We’ve all heard about the studies that show that nursing your baby can pimp out the kid’s IQ, boost mom/baby bonding, increases the child’s immunity and decreases their chances of becoming a chunkarrific sociopath with an unironic faux hawk who gets his or her jollies out of arranging deadly duels between neighborhood squirrels. And guess what? Women are listening! According to...
April 2008
16 posts
Gays! They're just like US! →
Per The New York Times: It seems some want to get married! Others don’t. It doesn’t always work out! Sometimes partners cheat. Sometimes, they want to have kids! They fight about housework! Opinionated family members get involved. They give up and get fat after getting hitched! Phew. I was wondering!
I don't like Mondays
1) My metrocard ran out this morning 2) Because my metrocard expired this morning and the machine didn’t like my ATM card, I was running late(r) for work 3) I was literally running 4) In hot-pink, unlined rubber wellies 5) That rubbed against my unprotected blister 6) Then I dropped my new metrocard on the escalator that takes me to the A that takes me to the 4 that takes me to my first cup...
Weird, vaguely offensive pregnancy news of the day →
Junk science alert: bringin’ back the halcyon days when Hank & Co. lopped off women’s heads for producing the girl childz… Are you rexic? Skip breakfast? Related to satan? Like to dance naked in the moonlight with a rotting flamingo strapped to your head? Get ready for a booby prize girl! Eat quality carbs? Got milk? That thing called vitamins? Brimming with sugar and...
:( →
Science says my constant Eeyore-like paradigm — as much fun as a freshly sharpened cheese-grater applied with gusto to freshly sunburned thighs to my family, friends, fellow subway riders, overly enthusiastic street buskers, slatternly Starbucks employees and all tenders of bars — is financially prudent. It turns out that all those lectures about getting some sun goddamnit, getting my...
It is the worst of times in Haiti →
Worldwide, about 850 million people go to bed hungry every night. In Haiti, the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere and a place that has no shortage of disasters and seemingly insurmountable challenges to contend with in the best of times (it lies in the middle of the “Hurricane belt” in the Caribbean and is subject to violent storms from June-October; periodic droughts, floods...
Luxurious Italian imports →
“A Utah disposal company [is] seeking federal permission to import more than 20,000 tons of nuclear waste from Italy.” First polygamy and now this … Utah is officially grody to the max.
What is art? →
If one were to consult the Random House Unabridged Dictionary (2006), one would find this definition: 1. the quality, production, expression, or realm, according to aesthetic principles, of what is beautiful, appealing, or of more than ordinary significance. 2. the class of objects subject to aesthetic criteria; works of art collectively, as paintings, sculptures, or drawings: a museum of...
Shock ... and ... more shock. Very little awe. →
Not to be bitch? But, um, like, hai! Let’s forget about the polar bears for a sec and consider the implications of the following statement: There’s a looming beer shortage people. We need to stop this global warming thing, STAT. From Treehugger, link above: “According to Jim Salinger, a climate scientist at New Zealand’s National Institute of Water and Atmospheric...
Families that pray together, stay together →
Which doesn’t bode well for my atheistic household. Um, we like yoga? But wait … it turns out that it isn’t faith, prayer or closeness to God that predicts infidelity as the Journal of Marriage and Family predictably — and a tad hysterically — shrieked. As it turns out, “Religious service attendance was the only unique, religious predictor of...
Sex n' violence!
I don’t know about you, but nothing says “sexy,” “liberated,” and “fun” to me like a sharp knife to the crotch. Also SLF: a pallid, lifeless body wrapped awkwardly around a stripper pole; metallic gold eyeshadow being attacked by what appears to be an urban mammal framed in long, stiff midnight lashes; dead peepers; a butt-white head o’ hair a clump...
GET OUT THE VOTE FOR FUCK'S SAKE!! →
Sparky’s only gotten two votes and this mutt really really needs a makeover. His owner sez: “Like any other hipster dog he enjoys striped sweaters, tofu and Rufus Wainwright. Sparky is continually ridiculed by his owner’s friends because of his funky crooked tail (which may have been broken pre-adoption and sticks out at a weird angle resembling a man’s genitalia),...
Nostalgia for cockroaches? →
Only The New York Observer could make me nostalgic for my nasty-ass roach-infested apt. on the UES. “On June 10, 1974, a large group of passengers were evacuated from city buses in midtown. They were crawling with roaches, according to an account in The New York Times. The city promised to step up its abatement program, and blamed the roach infestations on the buses, as New Yorkers do, on...
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH! →
OK you guys, don’t tell my husband! But apparently, women on average do more of this “housework” jazz he’s always jawin’ about. I actually asked him where we kept the vacuum recently. We’ve lived together for two years. “A new study from the University of Michigan shows that having a husband creates an extra seven hours of extra housework a week for...
Simply put: bad idea →
Sharing the fact that you were raped — on a T-shirt — should. just. not. ever. happen. And Jennifer “feminist activist” Baumgardner should not be “distributing” *pink* T-shirts with a small note sitting in a safe that declares in handwriting, “I was raped.” What’s next? Claiming to be raped as a badge of honor or coolness? “By having an object...
The importance of being disingenuous →
The usually delightful Doonan has been a bit of a bore of late. (I know you’re life partner is Jonathan Adler! I know you work at Barney’s and disapprove of Century 21!! Find a new topic! Oh wait. He did. Stop screeching Kathleen.) This week in my fave pink paper he gets back to his wonderful, cheeky, servicey self in an article celebrating the white lie, a grand institution in...
March 2008
13 posts
Green make-up for green-challenged bank accounts →
I have a nonsexual girl crush on Stella McCartney. She’s Paul’s daughter obvs and if I were her I’d probably be as drunk, bloated and shnasty as the rest of the pampered Hollywood-New York-London children of the really rich famous people set … but she has her shit together … and she launched a make-up line last year — Care — that contains no endangered plants,...
Calling all fools ...
It’s time for the annual April Fool’s Day Parade Courtesy of Nonsense NYC: The New York April Fools' Committee Is Proud to Announce: New York City's 23rd Annual April Fools' Day Parade The New York April Fools' Day Parade was created in 1986 to remedy a glaring omission in the long list of New York's annual ethnic and holiday parades. Fifth Avenue, from 59th Street, across...
This is taking the whole ADD thing to a new level →
Panic not: The devolution of our society continues, unabated. The New York Review of Books provides a handy-dandy round-up of recent books penned by men and women who fought in Bush’s Totally Awesome Middle East Adventure. (Link above – I love the NYRB. Their Cliffs Notes for Ivy Leaguers analysis makes reading the titles themselves, like, totally redundant). I expected tear-jerking tales...
Secrets are the things we grew ... →
When I was little my Mom used to recite a dumbed-down version of Edith Hamilton’s “Mythology” to scare the shit out of me help me fall asleep. She introduced an abiding love for dank, but charmingly told tales of dirty deeds involving, lust, betrayal of gods, father and country into my life … in short I can blame my love for The Days of Our Lives and The O.C. — as...
Holy hats! →
Why am I just learning about this now? I’ve lived in NYC for 8 years but somehow I overlooked the very existence of THE EASTER BONNET PARADE! Hot pink hats ‘n hysteria OMG I’m so in! Good thing Penelope is suffering from a serious case of the Hershey squirts: I can’t go to CT — to collect my Easter basket and steal my husband’s as every still-spoiled...
A depressing but fabulous timeline of the Iraq War →
Graphics, photos, factoids (that’s right Stephen FACTOIDS), transcripts and speeches galore. The New York Times’ rips a page from USA Today’s playbook and hooks readers up with a news-you-can-use style interactive feature.
Science proves it! Monogomy is a farce LOL →
I don’t think anyone’s surprised that Spitzer cheated. Or that he fucked a hooker and tried to do so sans a penis shield. Or that he spent $80,000 cheating with the ho (or hoes). Geh! Also predictable: a flurry of editorials blabbing about how human beings, swans and pretty much every other form of life once thought to be capable of monogamy are not b/c science proves it!! After...
Join me in taking advantage of the coming world... →
Not to be a total Debbie Downer, but the fertilizer’s shit’s hitting the fan re: global warming, food shortages, water shortages and yes, the coming world famine. Add those undeniables to these factoids: Bush has called for a massive increase in ethanol production. The new target: 35 billion gallons a year by 2017, representing a five-fold increase on the current target. Meat....